


baby i choose you

by beenzino



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, How Do I Tag, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild Language, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:14:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26657986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beenzino/pseuds/beenzino
Summary: he can almost hear his thoughts out loud. he feels like he’s drowning, and all he can think about is how much he doesn’t want to cry right now, but it’s getting harder and harder to ignore the tightness at the back of his throat.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 1
Kudos: 74





	baby i choose you

it’s 1am and all jaehyun can think about is the burning on his skin. it’s not necessarily painful, but he can feel everything. the uncomfortable sensation of regret seeping low into his veins until his eyes are glassing over with an unsettling feeling.

jaehyun lets the first whimper out of him and sits up, hugging his knees to his chest as he stares into the darkness of his room. he can almost hear his thoughts out loud. he feels like he’s drowning, and all he can think about is how much he doesn’t want to cry right now, but it’s getting harder and harder to ignore the tightness at the back of his throat. 

it wasn’t that long ago when jaehyun was somewhere else. not in his own bed or his own apartment. just an hour ago his lips were on soft skin and his hands were running through long dark hair. jaehyun can still feel the taste of her on his lips, the feeling of her legs wrapped around his waist. 

he doesn’t know why he does this to himself. he’ll break himself down so much until he’s too weak to move, until his only option of coping is crying. and jaehyun absolutely hates crying, it’s the lowest he can get. he doesn’t know why he continues to use other people to numb his own pain, to try and convince himself that this is what he wants, what he needs. he knows his body is begging for it to stop, his brain is telling him to go home, get out, go to sleep. and yet, jaehyun can’t control his fingers when he texts back another girl three nights later. 

i’ll be there in five. 

<>

this one is so much worse. jaehyun’s feels a pair of lips grazing down his chest and he breathes in deep, goosebumps shaking their way down his body in the most hurtful way. 

jaehyun wants it to stop. he doesn’t know how much longer he can go. when she kisses under his jaw, whispering something dirty into his ear, he feels like he’s gonna throw up. his head is light, his mouth salivating with a bitter amount of bile. he can’t breathe. 

he can feel his hands coming up to hold her wrist, squeezing tight. she doesn’t stop, still sitting on his hips and rolling down, soft moans leaving her mouth and her hair falls down over her collarbones. any other person should be worshipping her, she’s beautiful. but jaehyun, jaehyun hates himself way too much. he hates himself that he cant just do it. and finally, his throat loosens and his voice comes out breathy and frantic. 

“stop.” he huffs, trying to sit up as fast as possible. his skin is burning again where he’s being touched, and he feels so hot and uncomfortable, and so terrified. “please stop.” he begs, voice breaking.

she pulls away immediately, eyes so wide the brightness of the moon are reflecting out of her blown pupils, and jaehyun realizes they’re both shaking. “whats wrong?” she whispers, unsure. jaehyun doesn’t answer, instead tugging her off of his lap and searching for his tshirt. 

“im sorry.” he mumbles while she watches him leave her bed in a panic. “im so sorry i need to go.” jaehyun can’t fucking find his other shoe and at this point, he wants to just leave it here. he’s panicking, and he drops his keys and phone while trying to stand up and leave as quickly as possible. 

“did i do something wrong?” her voice comes out so quiet and jaehyun feels his heart shattering. this is too much, he can’t process all of this. he immediately looks at her, can feel a tear begin to slip out of his eye. 

“no.” he whispers. “no it’s not you, im sorry.” he mumbles again, apologizing for something he knows he can’t even control at this point. he doesn’t bother looking at her again before he slips out of her room. 

when jaehyun gets in his car, everything hits him like a fucking truck. he’s crying, sobbing. breathing so hard his lungs feel like they’re filling with fire. there’s snot and tears running down his face as he rests his head on the steering wheel, his hands gripping it until his knuckles are white. everything is spinning, and jaehyun wonders for a brief moment if this is what dying feels like. 

he doesn’t know how long he stays there, parked down the road from a hookup he just bailed on. once his breathing starts to normalize and he can feel his heart beat steadying, he finally looks up, a hand running down his face and wiping the tears away aggressively. 

he feels so used. so beyond broken he can’t imagine how much more he can take of this. of his endless lying to everyone around him, and mostly himself. he lies to himself, tells his brain he wants to be like this.

it’s so wrong. jaehyun can hear himself talking. it’s so wrong—the way the only person jaehyun can think of right now is someone he doesn’t want to see. he hates himself so much. 

jaehyun breathes in deep, trying to control his shaking hands as he picks up his phone. his name dances around jaehyun’s mind as he searches for his contact. and then jaehyun finally does it. they have it planned so well, a simple code system for what he wants, without saying it out loud. 

“why?” johnny asked when jaehyun told him how he wanted it to be. “why can’t you just tell me?”

“because.” jaehyun says, looking down at the floor. he swallows, nervous. “i won’t have to think about it too much like this. if i don’t have to say it out loud, it won’t exist. and i can just pretend that im not fucking my whole life up.” he says. johnny looks up at him, and nods.

jaehyun sends the push pin emoji. and then right after it, “pls. it’s an emergency.”

he puts his phone down and lets his brain go while he sits there. his mind replaying through all that has happened to him tonight, and over the course of three years. he waits in the parking lot for five minutes before his phone dings next to him. 

“come over.” johnny had typed. and jaehyun doesn’t need more than a mere glance at his phone and the message for his hands to turn his car on and his foot to press on the gas.

it takes him ten minutes to cross town into the city where johnny’s apartment is. the fact that jaehyun can make the trip to his place while crying and shaking, not even thinking about how to get there is making him feel even worse. he just wants this all to end. 

finally, after what seems like hours after he left that girl’s place, he arrives in front of johnnys door, hesitant to knock. 

johnny beats him to it, and right before he goes to knock the door opens. and jaehyun feels his heart stutter when he sees johnny in the door way-shirtless with sweatpants hanging low on his hips. 

“jae.” he breathes. jaehyun doesn’t want to cry again but he feels it coming back. johnny can see the look on his face, can almost feel the pain jaehyun is being put through. “jae-“ he calls again, and jaehyun finally looks up to meet his eyes. “come here.” 

jaehyun can feel the wind get knocked out of him when johnny pulls him into his chest. he hates how much he craves this. the warmth of another man so close to him. jaehyun wraps his arms around johnnys torso and holds on for dear life, so afraid that he might leave him. 

but, jaehyun isn’t here to hug. he’s not here to kiss and cuddle and be the person he wishes he could be. jaehyun wants to feel numb again. and before johnny can even press a kiss to the crown of his head, jaehyun pulls away and grabs his wrist, tugging him into his apartment. 

“jaehyun.” johnny warns, letting himself be pulled into his own room by the younger.

jaehyun doesn’t say anything until they get there, until he’s closing johnny’s door and can smell the faint scent of johnny’s body near his bed. 

“please.” jaehyun whispers. “today’s been so bad. johnny, please just do this.” 

the grip on jaehyun’s hand tightened and johnny brings it up to his lips, kissing away at his bruised knuckles. “okay.” he mumbles, jaehyun pretends he doesn’t feel butterflies erupt in his stomach.

suddenly, it’s like a switch is turned on in johnny. he knows exactly how jaehyun likes it. fast, as fast as possible. he moves quickly, pushing jaehyun on to the bed and jaehyun lets out a whine when johnny presses his fingers into his hips. 

“turn around for me.” he says. jaehyun immediately complies, turning into his stomach and reaching for the zipper of his jeans. johnny helps him, pulling them down along with his boxers until they’re pooling around his ankles and jaehyun can grind against johnny’s sheets. 

johnny presses his whole body against jaehyun, his face in the crook of jaehyun’s neck, hot breath spilling into his ear making goosebumps rise over his skin. “shh.” johnny says, his hands in between their bodies trying to get a dry finger in jaehyun. 

jaehyun squeezes his eyes shut when the first one slips in. it hurts, since jaehyun refuses to do this more than absolutely necessary. otherwise he would love it too much.

the feeling of johnny’s weight pressed so harshly against his back makes jaehyun’s head spin. his lungs are strained and he can feel himself getting light headed when johnny reaches for the bottle of lube and gets a second finger in him. 

“i know baby.” johnny coos when jaehyun breathes in a shaky breathe. johnny works him open on three fingers until jaehyun is pushing back against him, begging for johnny to do something else. “more, johnny.” 

johnny does just that, sinking his fingers in all the way to his knuckles and curling them up, drawing the sweetest of sounds out of jaehyun. he managers to fit his hand between himself and the bed, finally getting a grip on his cock as johnny opens him up.

“please.” jaehyun whimpers. “i want it.”

“yeah?” johnny asks. all of a sudden he pulls out, the loss of warmth making jaehyun shiver and curl in on himself. johnny presses his hand to the back of jaehyun’s thigh, pushing him into the mattress as he pulls his cock out of his joggers. “want me to fuck you?” 

jaehyun nods, even though he knows johnny will ask him for proper words. but it’s seems like johnny really doesn’t care today, since he’s already nudging the head of his cock against jaehyun’s hole, catching on the rim every time he moves up. 

johnny pushes his hips forward and bends over him when he finally gets in him. jaehyun grips the sheets so hard his fingers ache, but it’s nothing compared to the burning in his stomach when johnny snaps his hips.

johnny lets out a groan, one that rumbles out of his chest, that jaehyun can feel through the mattress and down to his toes. he buries his face in johnny’s pillow when johnny pulls back, taking a deep breath before he’s slamming back into him. jaehyun’s painfully aware of how much noise they’re making, the creek of the bed, the grunts coming from johnny and the mewls jaehyun lets out. it’s all so intense.

johnny’s wraps a hand around jaehyun’s torso, pulls him flush against his chest. the other hand twisting into his hair and pulling so hard it has jaehyun gasping for air as he’s rugged up from the bed. “johnny.” he whines, tightening around the older.

johnny moans loud, letting go of his hair in time to push him harshly back down, pinning him against the pillows. jaehyun can’t breathe, but this is how he likes it. toeing the line of consciousness until johnny doesn’t know if his heart is beating or not. 

johnny must notice when jaehyun starts to dissociate, too caught up in the pressure of johnny’s cock in him to be aware of his surroundings. “stay with me jae.” he can hear johnny say, slowing down his thrusts to bring jaehyun back.

jaehyun doesn’t like that at all, and he’s not even aware that he’s crying until the pillow underneath him is soaked and he can’t see clearly out of his eyes. jaehyun knows he looks broken, so fucked out. eyes red, nose running, lips bruised and swollen from biting back the moans he wants so badly to let johnny hear. he’s absolutely ruined. 

“don’t be mad.” johnny hums, leaning over to bite on jaehyun’s ear lobe. “I’ll give it to you, baby. just gotta take it.”

jaehyun wails when johnny starts up again, it feels like he’s on fire. every nerve in his body tingling and sending sparks of pleasure all over. mad then johnny hits that spot that’s just right, and jaehyun squeezes his eyes and whines out the most beautiful sound johnny has ever heard. 

it’s too hot, jaehyun thinks, when johnny’s thrusting becomes sporadic and irregular. his hips moving harsh and fast, using jaehyun’s body to draw pleasure out from both of them. jaehyun’s crying, whimpering into the sheets and gripping on to the side of the bed as johnny thrusts into him, breathing hard and hot against his neck. 

“fuck jae.” he hears johnny say. “you’re always so good. so good for me baby.”

“i wanna be good.” jaehyun whispers, loud enough for johnny to hear and press a kiss against his back. “i wanna be good johnny.”

“you are.” johnny says, then pulls him closer and sends and spine tingling thrust into him as he says, “you’re the best thing I’ve got.”

jaehyun comes right then, with a hand around his cock and his face buried into the pillows. he can’t hear anything other than the ringing in his ears and the sound of his heart racing. he comes for what seems like minutes, his body releasing wave after wave of pleasure onto the sheets and over his knuckles as johnny fucks him through it. he praises him, tells him how good he is and how much johnny loves this, and when jaehyun squeezes a little tighter, he can feel johnny finally spilling into him. he grinds against him for a few minutes, milking it out for as long as it will go until he knows jaehyun will tell him to stop.

johnny pulls out with a kiss on his neck before lying down next to him. jaehyun feels wrecked, exhausted from crying and his whole body is shaking. he tries to close his legs, to turn over and wipe the come off himself, but he can’t move, and the feeling of johnny’s come drilling out of him is indescribable.

“Jesus.” johnny huffs. jaehyun can feel him getting out of bed and leaving to go into the bathroom. he takes the time to move, flipping on his side, kneels pulled up as he faces the wall. his brain already running with thoughts and the pain from earlier slowly starting to seep into his numb veins again. 

“hey.” johnny says, kneeling down and looking over him. “lemme clean you up.”

jaehyun doesn’t want to clean up, in fact he feels like he’s on the verge of tears again thinking about having to erase the memories of this night. he doesn’t want to wipe off the remnants of johnny on him, because he wants them to last as long as possible until he can’t possibly stand the thought of another man’s marks decorating his skin. 

“jae?” johnny whispers. jaehyun doesn’t do anything to protest when johnny moves him on his back, cupping his jaw to face him. “why are you crying?”

“can you just let it go?” jaehyun says, voice breaking in the middle of his sentence. johnny pulls back, looking betrayed and confused. 

“what do you mean?” johnny asks. he lets the wash cloth he brought from the bathroom drop on to the bed and jaehyun has never wanted more than to just dissapear.

“i mean i just want to be in silence.” jaehyun cries. “can’t we just sit here and not have to talk about anything.”

“jaehyun im just trying to help you, i care about you-“

“no you don’t.” jaehyun says. “this means nothing.” 

he doesn’t expect johnny to look so angry then, his jaw locking as he glares at jaehyun, hurt and pity apparent in his eyes. “that’s because you won’t let it.”

“stop it.” jaehyun warns, sitting up. “you know this isn’t anything more than just a hook up johnny. stop acting like you’re in love with me.”

“jaehyun.” johnny says, and jaehyun absolutely hates it when he says it like that. like jaehyun is a child and johnny needs to tell him how to live. “i know you have a lot of shit going on up there. but you cannot sit here and tell me you don’t feel anything when you come to me every time you fuck up again. jae you’re hurting yourself. im not gonna just let you do that to yourself.” 

jaehyun swallows, looking away from johnny and absentmindedly tightening the grip he has around his own wrist, digging his nails into the skin there. “you know nothing about me.” 

“stop lying jaehyun.” johnny raises his voice, jaehyun flinches back when johnny reaches for him which just makes everything so much worse. “please.” johnny begs, quieter. “i know you want to just let it go. jaehyun, let it go. you’re not the person you’re trying to be.”

“but im trying johnny!” jaehyun yells at him, letting the hot tears slip down his face for what seems like the hundredth time that day. “im trying so hard to not be fucking insane. to be normal. I don’t want to be like this.”

“liking men is not insane.” johnny says lowly. “you’re not abnormal, who is telling you this jae? everyone around you loves you, and would accept you. i know it’s scary baby-“

“don’t call me that.” jaehyun’s eyes go dark, and johnny sighs, disappointed.

“i know it’s scary.” johnny says again. “but it’s gonna hurt your more to try and pretend that you enjoy hooking up with random girls, that you want to be the man your dad wants, and not the man you’re supposed to be.” johnny leans down, his fingers grazing over the underside of jaehyun’s jaw until he cupping his face and pulling him closer. “listen to me.” he whispers. “i meant it when i said you’re the best thing ive got. i love you more than you could ever know. and i know how much you’re hurting. please, please jaehyun.” he pauses, thumping away a tear that slips out of jaehyun’s eye. “let me fix you.” 

jaehyun can’t even stop himself when he leans up, pressing his lips to johnny’s as fast as possible. johnny hold him so good, kissing deep into his mouth. their tongues dance as jaehyun cries harder, feeling his heart ache for the man in front of him. 

“i love you.” johnny whispers when they part, heavy breaths mixing and jaehyun catches johnny’s glazed over eyes staring at him. “please stay the night with me.”

jaehyun sucks in a breath, biting his lip. he swore to himself he would never do this, not for johnny, not for any other tinder girl, but right now, all he can think about is how much he wants to wake up in johnny’s arms, in johnny’s bed. 

he nods, nervously grabbing johnny’s hand and pulling him in closer. johnny kisses him again, slow and steady and filled with so much love and adoration jaehyun feels like his heart is gonna explode. he realizes how much he’s been craving this. the feeling of being free, of being with johnny in the most intimate way possible without the judgement of himself. johnny presses a kiss to his forehead when their finally laid back and pressed close, legs tangled and warm under the blankets. 

jaehyun can hear the faint sound of johnny snoring next to him when they wake up. in the afterglow of the morning. the room smells like sex and johnny’s body wash, and jaehyun feels so incredibly warm. 

his heart is thumping steady, breathing softly as he buries his face in johnny’s chest. 

<>

you’re gonna be alright.  
he’s got you.

**Author's Note:**

> once again this is bad and rushed idc
> 
> *title from perfume by SHAED :)*


End file.
